Principle 6- Overcome Gridlock
“You want to have children; he doesn’t. She wants you to attend church with her’ you’re an atheist. He’s a homebody’ you’re ready for a party every night. All couples have some irreconcilable differences. But when partners can’t find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreement, the result is gridlock.”
“When couples gridlock over issues, the image that comes to my mind is of two opposing fists. Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it. As a result, they eventually view the partner as just plain selfish. Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible.” (p. 236)
You’ll know you’ve reached gridlock if:
- You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
- Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection
- The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
- Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out- giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.
“A significant key to preventing gridlock is also to be on the lookout for those small moments where you “miss” each other’s needs. If either of you is feeling a lot of hurt over seemingly minor slights, you may want to spend some extra time on strengthening your fondness and admiration (chapter 5) and practice turning toward each other (chapter 6). Not acknowledging and talking out these small moments can make a relationship more vulnerable to gridlock over significant issues.” (p. 237)
“To navigate your way of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life.” (p. 238)
“a dream can cause problems if your spouse doesn’t respect it or you keep it hidden. Under these circumstances, either you may have open battles over the issue, or it may go underground and only be expressed symbolically. In the latter case, the couple may think they are at loggerheads over whether to go out to dinner every Sunday night, but the bottom-line issue has to do with something much deeper than a restaurant meal.” (p. 239
“For Ed and Luanne, it was apparent that a dream was the root cause of their conflict. The challenge was to respect the dream and each other’s needs. But for many couples, the dream that is at the core of the conflict is not so obvious. Only by uncovering this dream can the couple get out of gridlock.” (p. 241)
“Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is key to saving and enriching your marriage.” (p. 252)