What activities will actually make you happier?

From Sonja Lyubomirky’s book “The How of Happiness”

What activities will actually make you happier?

Nurture Social Relationships.

• “One of the strongest findings in the literature on happiness is that happy people have better relationships than do their less happy peers. It’s no surprise, then, that investing in social relationships is a potent strategy on the path to becoming happier.” (p. 125)
  
  
• “Happy people are exceptionally good at their friendships, families, and intimate relationships. The happier a person is, the more likely he or she is to have a large circle of friends or companions, a romantic partner, and ample social support. The happier the person, the more likely she is to be married and to have a fulfilling and long-lasting marriage. The happier the person, the more likely she is to be satisfied with her family life and social activities, to consider her partner her “great love,” and to receive emotional and tangible support from friends, supervisors, and coworkers.” (p. 138)
  
  
• “Friendships don’t just happen; they are made. One prominent psychologist suggests that the magic number is to have three friends or companions you can really count on. Here are some suggestions for how to get your friendship number up to three and to make them thrive.” (p. 147)
  
  
• “Make time. Show interest in other people and offer them encouragement. Once a friendship forms, create rituals that allow you to get together and be in touch on a regular basis—a weekly date to go to the gym, a book club, a monthly dinner out, a joint vacation, or a daily e-mail. In this way, friends become as much a priority as all the other areas of your life. However, don’t control all your interactions (let your friends decide which movie to attend at least half the time), and don’t overdo it; give them space when they require it.” (p. 147)
  
  
• “Communicate. Self-disclosure, revealing intimate thoughts and feelings, is difficult for some individuals, but it’s critical to friendships, especially women’s friendships. This is because honest self-disclosure, when it occurs unhurriedly and appropriately, breeds more self-disclosure and cultivates intimacy. The flip side is to listen to your friends’ disclosures and problems: Make eye contact, give your full attention, and acknowledge his or her statements. Hold off giving unsolicited advice or turning attention back to yourself by recounting your own story (e.g., “I know just how you feel”). Sometimes this is appreciated and welcomed, sometimes not. Finally, just as with a romantic partner, convey feelings of affection and admiration from time to time in whatever way feels comfortable to you—” (p. 148)
  
  
• “Be supportive and loyal. Be helpful and supportive when your friends need it, and affirm their successes. As I mentioned earlier, we often feel threatened by our friends’ triumphs. Instead of feeling envious, try to bask in their reflected glory. Other universal rules of friendship include standing up for your friends when they’re not there, keeping secrets, not putting down their other friends, and reciprocating favors.” (p. 148)
  
  
• “Capitalize on good fortune. This strategy involves taking delight in your friends’, family members’, and partner’s windfalls and successes. Social psychologists have shown that what distinguishes good and poor relationships is not how the partners respond to each other’s disappointments and reversals but how they respond to good news.” (p. 144)

Strive For Intrinsic Goals

• “People who strive for something personally significant, whether it’s learning a new craft, changing careers, or raising moral children, are far happier than those who don’t have strong dreams or aspirations. Find a happy person, and you will find a project.” (p. 205)
  
  
• “Some devote themselves to lifelong goals vis-à-vis their work, while others commit themselves to making their family, social, or spiritual lives more meaningful. It turns out that the process of working toward a goal, participating in a valued and challenging activity, is as important to well-being as its attainment.” (p. 205)
  
  
• “Your priority should be to develop that missing passion and impetus. Perhaps you are following the wrong kinds of goals. The goals that you have set for yourself may be ones sold to you by the larger culture—“Make money! Own your own home! Look great!”—and while there may be nothing inherently wrong with striving for those things, they mask the pursuits more likely to deliver true and lasting happiness. In this case, your priority should be to discern which goals will make you happy in the long term and to follow them.” (p. 206)
  
  
• “Finally, the pursuit of goals often involves engaging with other people—teachers, clients, friends, colleagues, and partners—and such social connections can be happiness-inducing in and of themselves.” (p. 208)
  
  
• “following intrinsic goals makes us happier, in part because they are relatively more inspiring and enjoyable; hence we are more likely to invest in them, persevere at them, and succeed at them.” (p. 209)
  
  
• “Sometimes we pursue extrinsic goals (like material wealth) in order to obtain the resources and opportunities that will allow us to pursue our cherished dreams or intrinsic goals. For example, I’m friendly with a guy, an entrepreneur, who works very hard to earn a high salary and bonus, because, he says, it will permit him to take time off from his work (which is not very satisfying) to write short stories (his true love), to garden (a second passion), and to spend more time with his fast-growing tweens (whom he adores).” (p 210)
  
  
• “the priorities that we place on our goals change with time, but no matter what the substance of the goals, one certainty remains across every age: Pursuing goals brings greater happiness than abandoning them.” (p. 213)
  
  
• “The pursuit of goals that are intrinsic, authentic, approach-oriented, harmonious, activity-based, and flexible will deliver more happiness than the pursuit of goals that are extrinsic, inauthentic, avoidance-oriented, conflicting, circumstance-based, or rigid. This mouthful of words is based on decades of research. As a first step, then, consider your significant goals and strivings.” (p. 215)
  
  
• “Just remember that happiness will come from pursuing goals, and not necessarily from achieving them.” (p. 225)
  
  
• “those who see their work as a calling report enjoying working and find what they do to be fulfilling and socially useful. They work not for the financial rewards or for advancement but because they want to; it is inseparable from the rest of their lives.” (p. 188)
  
  
• “One way that you can own your goals is to choose ones that fit you well. We are happier and more likely to persist at a goal when our striving toward it consistently makes us feel good. The more a goal fits your personality, the more likely that its pursuit will be rewarding and pleasureful and increase your happiness. For example, if you are an extravert, you may do well pursuing goals that involve interactions with other people. If you have a dominant personality, you might wish to take on a leadership activity. If you are on the nurturing side, choose a goal that allows you to take care of others. If you are competitive and achievement-oriented, strive for something that satisfies that spirited drive in you, like winning an athletic tournament or being the most productive worker in your division. Knowing which goal will fit you best takes a bit of self-awareness and emotional intelligence.” (p. 210)
  
  
• “Make sure that your goals are meaningful to you. Is your only motivation to become an artist the fact that you consider painting fun, or do you additionally find a sense of purpose while engaging in it? Pleasure is not enough to sustain most people’s interest and commitment for extended periods of time.20 Value and meaning are vital.” (p. 216)
  
  
• “The first is to contemplate and describe in writing the personal legacy that you would like to leave after you die. For example, you might imagine how you would want to be remembered by your grandchildren or great-grandchildren. Write a summary of your life, your values, and your accomplishments as you would like them known to your descendants in the format of a first-person letter or even an obituary. “A man should choose with careful eye the things to be remembered by. Another approach is to write down what kinds of lives you would want your children (or future children) to lead as adults:” (p. 217)

Express Gratitude

• “The expression of gratitude is a kind of metastrategy for achieving happiness. Gratitude is many things to many people. It is wonder; it is appreciation; it is looking at the bright side of a setback; it is fathoming abundance; it is thanking someone in your life; it is thanking God; it is “counting blessings.” It is savoring; it is not taking things for granted; it is coping; it is present-oriented. Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, avarice, hostility, worry, and irritation.” (p. 89)
  
  
• “The world’s most prominent researcher and writer about gratitude, Robert Emmons, defines it as “a felt sense of wonder, thankfulness, and appreciation for life.” You could strive to feel grateful by noticing how fortunate your circumstances are (and how much worse they could be), by calling an old mentor and thanking him for guiding you through one of life’s crossroads, by relishing moments with your child, or by recalling all the good things in your life at present. By definition, the practice of gratitude involves a focus on the present moment, on appreciating your life as it is today and what has made it so.” (p. 90)
  
  
• “People who are consistently grateful have been found to be relatively happier, more energetic, and more hopeful and to report experiencing more frequent positive emotions. They also tend to be more helpful and empathic, more spiritual and religious, more forgiving, and less materialistic than others who are less predisposed to gratefulness. Furthermore, the more a person is inclined to gratitude, the less likely he or she is to be depressed, anxious, lonely, envious, or neurotic.” (p.90)
  
  
• “Gratitude journal. If you enjoy writing, if you are good at it, or it feels natural to you, then a promising way to practice this strategy is with a gratitude journal, much like that used by my gratitude intervention participants.
  
  Choose a time of day when you have several minutes to step outside your life and to reflect. It may be first thing in the morning, or during lunch, or while commuting, or before bedtime. Ponder the three to five things for which you are currently grateful, from the mundane (your dryer is fixed, your flowers are finally in bloom, your husband remembered to stop by the store) to the magnificent (your child’s first steps, the beauty of the sky at night). One way to do this is to focus on all the things that you know to be true—for example, something you’re good at, what you like about where you live, goals you have achieved, and your advantages and opportunities. Don’t forget specific individuals who care for you, have made contributions to or sacrifices for you, or somehow touch your life.” (p. 96)
  
  
• “Keep the strategy fresh. Another important recommendation is to keep the gratitude strategy fresh by varying it and not overpracticing it. My research suggests that variety—the spice of life—is extremely important.” (p. 97)
  
  
• “Friends and family can also help foster your appreciation. One idea is to procure a gratitude partner with whom you can share your blessings list and who prompts and encourages you if you lose motivation or simply forget.” (p. 97)
  
  
• “Express gratitude directly to another. Finally, the expression of gratitude may be particularly effective when done directly—by phone, letter, or face-to-face—to another person. If there’s someone in particular whom you owe a debt of gratitude, express your appreciation in concrete terms.” (p. 97)
  
  
• “Sheldon and I instructed participants to do the same exercise, except we had them complete just one writing session in the lab, and then urged them to continue the writing sessions at home, as often and for as long as they wished, over four weeks. The participants were told: “You have been randomly assigned to think about your best possible self now and during the next few weeks. ‘Think about your best possible self’ means that you imagine yourself in the future, after everything has gone as well as it possibly could. You have worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing all your life goals. Think of this as the realization of your life dreams, and of your own best potentials.” (p. 104)

Practice Acts of Kindness.

• What scientific research has recently contributed to this agelong principle is evidence that practicing acts of kindness is not only good for the recipient but also good for the doer. It may be ironic, but being kind and good, even when it’s unpleasant or when one expects or receives nothing in return, may also be in the doer’s self-interest. This is because being generous and willing to share makes people happy. (p. 126)
  
  
• “If you decide to become a more generous, compassionate, and giving person, you will know what you should do. Ever babysat for a harried parent when you weren’t asked? Ever traveled to see a friend in need? Donated your money or your time? Smiled at someone who needed a smile even when it was the hardest thing to do at that very moment? Needless to say, the options for helping are unlimited. You only have to open your mind to the possibilities for kindness; if you look with fresh eyes, they are all around you. Furthermore, no particular talent, measure of time, or amount of money is required. The deed need not be grand or complicated. Moreover, if you’re ever at a loss about what act of kindness, generosity, or charity to carry out, you need to look no farther than your home, your workplace, or your community.” (p. 132)
  
  
• “The first step in practicing the kindness strategy is to select which acts you intend to do, how often, and how much. The results of my intervention studies suggest that this is an important decision point. If you do too little, you won’t obtain much benefit in happiness. If you do too much, you may end up feeling overburdened, angry, or fatigued. My suggestion is to follow the model of the one group in my first kindness intervention that was rewarded with the biggest increases in happiness—namely, pick one day per week (say, a Monday), and on that day (and on no others) commit one new and special large act of kindness or, alternatively, three to five little ones. I say “new and special” because you likely already dole out numerous small and large kindnesses every day, and the kindness strategy calls for doing something extra, something that pulls you out of your usual routine.” (p. 133)
  
  
• “Variety is the spice of life. A second implication stemming from my kindness studies is to mix up, spice up, vary, what you do. Putting change into a parking meter or doing an extra chore gives you a lift the first few times you do it, but after a time you will adapt to the new habit, and it will no longer grant the same amount of happiness. (This doesn’t mean that you should necessarily stop doing it, only that you’ll be obliged to add another act of kindness to your routine.)” (p. 133)
  
  
• “Fifth, at least once a week do a kind deed about which you tell no one and for which you don’t expect anything in return. Resolve not to sit around and wonder why other people aren’t as considerate as you. This resolution will fortify your conviction that you are not being generous solely for approval and admiration, and this will deepen your sense of value, meaning, and self-worth.” (p. 134)
  
  
• “When you commit acts of kindness, you may begin to view yourself as an altruistic and compassionate person. This new identity can promote a sense of confidence, optimism, and usefulness. Helping others or volunteering for a worthy cause highlights your abilities, resources, and expertise and gives you a feeling of control over your life.” (p. 130)

Increase Flow Experiences.

• “Have you ever been so absorbed in what you were doing—painting, writing, conversing, playing chess, woodworking, fishing, praying, Web surfing—that you completely lost track of time? Perhaps you even failed to notice that you were very hungry or that your back ached from sitting for so long or that you needed to use the bathroom? Did nothing else seem to matter? If the answer is yes, then you have experienced a state called flow.” (p. 181)
  
  
• “Indeed, we can experience flow in almost anything we do, however monotonous or tedious it might appear: waiting for the bus; changing a diaper; working on an assembly line, listening to a lecture; even standing at baggage claim. I often experience flow while analyzing data. Sometimes five hours will go by, and they feel like five minutes. On the other hand, some of us fail to experience flow (feeling bored or anxious instead) even during apparently exciting or captivating events—a sailing adventure, an action movie, or a dance recital. If we train ourselves to obtain flow in as many circumstances as possible, we will have happier lives.” (p. 182)
  
  
• “Control attention. To increase the frequency and length of flow experiences in your daily life, you need to become fully engaged and involved. Whether it’s writing a letter, making phone calls on behalf of a client, or playing Candy Land or a round of golf, seek work, home, and leisure activities that engage your skills and expertise. How exactly do you accomplish this? The secret is attention.” (p. 184)
  
  
• “Maintaining the state of flow also involves the control of your attention. If the challenge is too low and you become bored or apathetic, your attention drifts elsewhere. If the challenge is too high and you become tense or stressed, your attention shifts to yourself and your limitations, making you self-conscious. Your aim is to gain control over what you pay attention to—in a sense, to gain control over the contents of your consciousness moment by moment.” (p. 184)
  
  
• “Adopt new values. Happy people have the capacity to enjoy their lives even when their material conditions are lacking and even when many of their goals have not been reached. How do they do it? By using the following values as their guide: (1) Be open to new and different experiences (cooking for ten, joining a softball team, hiking to a remote location, learning to play squash) and (2) Learn until the day you die—be it barbecuing, Spanish, knitting, the history of World War II, a more effective way to maintain friendships, a new word game, etc.” (p. 184)
  
  
• “Transform routine tasks. Even seemingly boring and tedious activities—waiting for the bus, listening to a dull presentation, getting one’s teeth cleaned, or vacuuming—can be transformed into something more meaningful and stimulating.” (p.185)

Savor Life’s Joys

• “Researchers define savoring as any thoughts or behaviors capable of “generating, intensifying, and prolonging enjoyment.”13 When you “stop and smell the roses” instead of walking by obliviously, you are savoring. When you bask and take pride in your own or your friends’ accomplishments, you are savoring. When you suddenly emerge out of a frazzled or distracted state (e.g., while talking on the phone or running errands) and become fully aware of how much there is to enjoy of life, you are savoring.” (p. 191)
  
  
• “Relish ordinary experiences. The first challenge in using the strategy of savoring is to learn how to appreciate and take pleasure in mundane, everyday experiences.” (p. 193)
  
  
• “In another study, healthy students and community members were instructed to savor two pleasurable experiences per day, by reflecting on each for two or three minutes and trying to make the pleasure last as long and as intensely as possible. In all these studies those participants prompted to practice savoring regularly showed significant increases in happiness and reductions in depression. Starting tomorrow, consider your daily routine activities and rituals. Do you notice and savor the pleasures of the day, or do you dash through them?” (p. 193)
  
  
• “Take pleasure in the senses. Luxuriating, or indulging the senses, is one of the key ways to promote savoring. Pay close attention to and take delight in momentary pleasures, wonders, and magical moments. Focus on the sweetness of a ripe mango, the aroma of a bakery, or the warmth of the sun when you step out from the shade. Take in the cool, fresh air after a storm, the brushstrokes of an impressionist painting, or the crescendo of a symphony. One laboratory experiment revealed that people who focused their attention on the sensory experience of consuming chocolate reported more pleasure than those who were distracted while eating.” (p. 199)
  
  
• “Savor and reminisce with family and friends. Often it’s easier to savor when you share a positive experience with another. Whether you’re visiting a Japanese garden together, hiking to the top of a mountain, or listening to jazz in front of a fire, the pleasure of the moment can be heightened in the company of others who similarly value the experience. Marvel at the present moment with the other person. Set aside an hour, an afternoon, or an entire day to this activity.” (p. 194)

Meditate.

• “An avalanche of studies has shown that meditation has multiple positive effects on a person’s happiness and positive emotions, on physiology, stress, cognitive abilities, and physical health, as well as on other harder-to-assess attributes, like “self-actualization” and moral maturity.” (p. 241)
  
  
• “In two different studies, college students who undertook a program to learn about and practice meditation showed bigger improvements on an intelligence test as well as in their course test grades, relative to control groups. Another study, with premedical and medical students, found that those who were instructed to practice mindfulness meditation reported greater spiritual experiences and empathy for others—and lower anxiety and depression, even during the stressful exam period—than those in a control group placed on a wait list.” (p. 242)

Exercise!

• “Aerobic exercise was just as effective at treating depression as was Zoloft, or as a combination of exercise and Zoloft. Yet exercise is a lot less expensive, usually with no side effects apart from soreness. Perhaps even more remarkably, six months later, participants who had “remitted” (recovered) from their depressions were less likely to relapse if they had been in the exercise group (six months ago!) than if they had been in the medication group.” (p. 245)
  
  
• “surveys show, and large-scale randomized interventions confirm, that exercise may very well be the most effective instant happiness booster of all activities.” (p.245)

Happier People Make Things Happen.

• “If we observe genuinely happy people, we shall find that they do not just sit around being contented. They make things happen. They pursue new understandings, seek new achievements, and control their thoughts and feelings. In sum, our intentional, effortful activities have a powerful effect on how happy we are, over and above the effects of our set points and the circumstances in which we find themselves. If an unhappy person wants to experience interest, enthusiasm, contentment, peace, and joy, he or she can make it happen by learning the habits of a happy person.” (p. 64)