From Chris Voss’ “Never Split the Difference”
General Tips for Negotiations.
- “it begins with listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin.” (p. 28)
- “Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings. In addition, they tend to become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view, which gets them to the calm and logical place where they can be good Getting to Yes problem solvers.” (p.16)
The Tone of Your Voice is More Important Than Words.
- “body language and tone of voice—not words—are our most powerful assessment tools. That’s why I’ll often fly great distances to meet someone face-to-face, even when I can say much of what needs to be said over the phone.” (p. 176)
- “Most of the time, you should be using the positive/playful voice. It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging. The key here is to relax and smile while you’re talking. A smile, even while talking on the phone, has an impact tonally that the other person will pick up on.” (p. 33)
- If you are talking to someone who is aggravated or a boss, speak with a late night DJ voice. Be deferential. Speak slowly.
Mirror Your Opponent.
- “a “mirror” is when you repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said.” (p. 36)
Example: “The other vehicle’s not out there because you guys chased my driver away . . .” he blurted. “We chased your driver away?” I mirrored.” (p. 35) - If you are talking to a forceful type A person who prefers consent to collaboration. Use the late night DJ voice, start with “I’m sorry…”, mirror, silence, wait at least 4 seconds, to let the mirror work it’s magic on your counterpart, repeat.
Example: Boss saids, “Let’s make two copies of all the paperwork.” “I’m sorry, two copies?” Boss saids, “Yes, one for us, and one for the customer. “I’m sorry, so you are saying that the client is asking for a copy and we need a copy for internal use?” Boss saids, “Actually, I’ll check with the client, they haven’t asked for anything. But I definitely want a copy. That’s just how I do business.” (p.44)
Label Your Opponent.
- “Labeling is a way of validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging it. Give someone’s emotion a name and you show you identify with how that person feels.” (p. 54)
- “Once you’ve spotted an emotion you want to highlight, the next step is to label it aloud. Labels can be phrased as statements or questions. The only difference is whether you end the sentence with a downward or upward inflection.” (p. 56)
- Use “it sounds like, it seems like, it looks like…”
- Once you throw a label or mirror, be silent. Let the person speak and he may give you helpful hidden information.
- “The relationship between an emotionally intelligent negotiator and their counterpart is essentially therapeutic. It duplicates that of a psychotherapist with a patient. The psychotherapist pokes and prods to understand his patient’s problems, and then turns the responses back onto the patient to get him to go deeper and change his behavior. That’s exactly what good negotiators do.” (P. 50)
- Example: “It looks like you don’t want to come out. It seems like you worry that if you open the door, we’ll come in with guns blazing. It looks like you don’t want to go back to jail.” (p. 54)
“I’m sensing some hesitation with these projects,” she said in what she hoped was a level voice.”
“It seems that you are really passionate about this gift and want to find the right project reflecting the opportunities and life-changing experiences the Girl Scouts gave you.” (p. 63)
Summarize their Feelings and Get Them to Say, “That’s Right!”
- Summarize: A good summary is the combination of rearticulating the meaning of what is said plus the acknowledgment of the emotions underlying that meaning (paraphrasing + labeling = summary)
- “Before you convince them to see what you’re trying to accomplish, you have to say the things to them that will get them to say, “That’s right.” The “that’s right” breakthrough usually doesn’t come at the beginning of a negotiation. It’s invisible to the counterpart when it occurs, and they embrace what you’ve said. To them, it’s a subtle epiphany.” (p. 102)
Use an Accusation Audit.
- Write down all the terrible things your opponent could say about you. Tell your opponent these things before starting the negotiation.
- ““In case you’re worried about volunteering to role-play with me in front of the class, I want to tell you in advance . . . it’s going to be horrible.” (p. 64)
- ““You’re going to think we are a big, bad prime contractor when we are done,” Anna practiced saying slowly and naturally. “It seems you feel this work was promised to you from the beginning,” Mark said.” (p. 66)
Ask them Calibrated Questions.
- “The tool we developed is something I call the calibrated, or open-ended, question. What it does is remove aggression from conversations by acknowledging the other side openly, without resistance. In doing so, it lets you introduce ideas and requests without sounding pushy. It allows you to nudge.” (p. 141)
- “It’s a “how” question, and “how” engages because “how” asks for help.” (p. 149)
- “How am I going to do that?” “How am I supposed to do that?” “What about this works for you?” “How would you like me to proceed?” “How can I make this better for us?” “How can we solve this problem?” “What is the goal we are trying to accomplish here?”
- Don’t start the question with “why.”
Give Them the Illusion They Are in Control.
- “”Most important, we learned that successful negotiation involved getting your counterpart to do the work for you and suggest your solution himself. It involved giving him the illusion of control while you, in fact, were the one defining the conversation.” (p. 141)
Get People to Say No.
- “Good negotiators welcome—even invite—a solid “No” to start, as a sign that the other party is engaged and thinking.” (p. 86)
- “Saying “No” makes the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control, so trigger it. By saying what they don’t want, your counterpart defines their space and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to you. That’s why “Is now a bad time to talk?” is always better than “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” (p. 94)
- “One great way to do this is to mislabel one of the other party’s emotions or desires. You say something that you know is totally wrong, like “So it seems that you really are eager to leave your job” when they clearly want to stay.” (p.91)
“It seems like you want this project to fail”
If someone is ignoring you, “Have you given up this project?” - “Do you want the FBI to be embarrassed?” she said.
“No,” he answered.
“What do you want me to do?” she responded.” (p. 87) - Then, after pausing, ask solution-based questions or simply label their effect:
“What about this doesn’t work for you?”
“What would you need to make it work?”
“It seems like there’s something here that bothers you.”
People have a need to say, “No.” So don’t just hope to hear it at some point; get them to say it early.” (p. 79)
Use Anchoring and Loss Aversion.
When people see a number, they are “Anchored” from that number. People can also be anchored emotionally.
- Chris Voss needed to cut his contractors payments from $2000 to $500. Instead of just simply telling the contractors if they would take the pay cut, he used an Accusation Audit to anchor their emotions and also give them Loss Aversion.
“I got a lousy proposition for you,” I said, and paused until each asked me to go on. “By the time we get off the phone, you’re going to think I’m a lousy businessman. You’re going to think I can’t budget or plan. You’re going to think Chris Voss is a big talker. His first big project ever out of the FBI, he screws it up completely. He doesn’t know how to run an operation. And he might even have lied to me.” (p. 128)
“Still, I wanted to bring this opportunity to you before I took it to someone else,” I said. (p. 129) - “What I mean is this: When confronted with naming your terms or price, counter by recalling a similar deal which establishes your “ballpark,” albeit the best possible ballpark you wish to be in. Instead of saying, “I’m worth $110,000,” Jerry might have said, “At top places like X Corp., people in this job get between $130,000 and $170,000.” (p. 131)
Use the Word “Fair”
- “We just want what’s fair” will give the opponent feelings of defensiveness and un-comfort. These feelings will often lead the opponent to give an irrational concession. (P. 124)
- A way to counter attack this: “The best response either way is to take a deep breath and restrain your desire to concede. Then say, “Okay, I apologize. Let’s stop everything and go back to where I started treating you unfairly and we’ll fix it.” (p. 125)
- “We’ve given you a fair offer“
- A way to counter attack the “fair offer”: “Fair?” you’d respond, pausing to let the word’s power do to them as it was intended to do to you. Follow that with a label: “It seems like you’re ready to provide the evidence that supports that,” which alludes to opening their books or otherwise handing over information that will either contradict their claim to fairness or give you more data to work with than you had previously. Right away, you declaw the attack.” (p. 125)
- “I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times. So please stop me at any time if you feel I’m being unfair, and we’ll address it.” (p. 125) (Voss’ favorite way because it’s positive and constructive)
Other Good Quotes:
“You don’t directly persuade them to see your ideas. Instead, you ride them to your ideas. As the saying goes, the best way to ride a horse is in the direction in which it is going. Our job as persuaders is easier than we think. It’s not to get others believing what we say. It’s just to stop them unbelieving. Once we achieve that, the game’s half-won. “Unbelief is the friction that keeps persuasion in check,” Dutton says. “Without it, there’d be no limits.” (p. 150)
“empathy is paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world. Notice I didn’t say anything about agreeing with the other person’s values and beliefs or giving out hugs. That’s sympathy. What I’m talking about is trying to understand a situation from another person’s perspective.” (p. 52)
“Empathy helps us learn the position the enemy is in, why their actions make sense (to them), and what might move them.” (p. 53)
“Like the softening words and phrases “perhaps,” “maybe,” “I think,” and “it seems,” the calibrated open-ended question takes the aggression out of a confrontational statement or close-ended request that might otherwise anger your counterpart.” (p. 152)
“As always, tone of voice, respectful and deferential, is critical.” (p. 154)
“Emotions are one of the main things that derail communication. Once people get upset at one another, rational thinking goes out the window.” (p. 48)
“Think back to how the doctor used calibrated questions to get his patient to stay. As his story showed, the key to getting people to see things your way is not to confront them on their ideas (“You can’t leave”) but to acknowledge their ideas openly (“I understand why you’re pissed off”) and then guide them toward solving the problem (“What do you hope to accomplish by leaving?”). Like I said before, the secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is giving the other side the illusion of control. That’s why calibrated questions are ingenious: Calibrated questions make your counterpart feel like they’re in charge,” (p. 155)
“The very first thing I talk about when I’m training new negotiators is the critical importance of self-control. If you can’t control your own emotions, how can you expect to influence the emotions of another party?” (p. 156)
Don’t just pay attention to the people you’re negotiating with directly; always identify the motivations of the players “behind the table.” You can do so by asking how a deal will affect everybody else and how on board they are.”
“Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side and even get your own personal discount. Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks.”
Use a summary to trigger a “that’s right.” The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, rearticulate, and emotionally affirm “the world according to . . .”
Use odd numbers so it seems like you calculated your offer very carefully. For example $37,623.
Give a gift after giving the maximum price which shows you really are at your max and it forces your opponent to give back in Reciprocity. For example a family offered $4751 PLUS a CD stereo to the kidnappers. The kidnappers felt the family must be at their max and accepted the deal.
Pivot to non-monetary terms when you can’t agree on price. Voss normally charges $25,000 a day, but a firm gave him a low offer but gave him coverage on a magazine. The cover on the magazine is low cost to the firm, but is worth a lot to Voss.