From Sonja Lubomirsky’s book “Myths of Happiness”
I’ll be Happy When…I’m Married to the Right Person
- “As I describe below, even the happiest marriages cannot maintain their initial satisfaction level, and only with a great deal of energy and commitment can you approach that initial level.” (p. 18)
- “Indeed, it turns out that we are prone to take for granted pretty much everything positive that happens to us. When we move into a beautiful new loft with a grand view, when we partake of plastic surgery, when we purchase a fancy new automobile or nth-generation smartphone, when we earn the corner office and a raise at work, when we become immersed in a new hobby, and even when we wed, we obtain an immediate boost of happiness from the improved situation; but the thrill only lasts for a short time.” (p. 18)
- “In my view, marrying my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me—an event that brought me immense joy, which reverberates to this day, and which has given rise to multiple and wonderful downstream repercussions in my life. The most famous study exploring this issue, however, found that although the average person picks up a sizable boost in happiness when he or she gets married, this boost only lasts about two years, after which the former newlywed reverts back to his or her happiness level before the engagement” (p. 19)
- “Marital bliss, like new job bliss or new car bliss, is highly prone to hedonic adaptation, but infatuation, passion, and electric attraction carry the added liability of having an even shorter half-life. When we first fall in love, if we are lucky, we experience what researchers call passionate love, but over the years, this type of love usually turns into companionate love.20 Passionate love is a state of intense longing, desire, and attraction, whereas companionate love is composed more of deep affection, connection, and liking.” (p. 19)
- “One of the clues that lets you know you’ve adapted to your partner is that you’ve ceased to appreciate her. Truly appreciating someone means valuing her, being grateful for her, savoring your time with her, and remaining keenly aware of the goodness she has brought into your life.” (p. 24)
- “However, the lesson is that if we continue to be grateful, appreciative, and aware of our new spouse—if she frequently pops into our minds and inspires strong emotional reactions in us—we will be able to resist taking her for granted. Several studies support this notion, including one from our very own lab, which revealed that people who persist at appreciating a good turn in their lives are less likely to adapt to it.” (p. 25)
- “finally, appreciation helps prevent us from getting too “spoiled” and from paying too much attention to social comparisons (“My friend Kelly’s husband, unlike mine, does all the cooking!”) and experiencing envy. In other words, pausing to appreciate the positives in our relationships and to reevaluate them as gifts or “blessings” prompts us to focus on what we have today, rather than heeding what our friends and neighbors have or what we wish we had.” (p. 25)
- “Numerous experiments from my own and my colleagues’ laboratories have demonstrated that people who regularly practice appreciation or gratitude—who, for example, “count their blessings” once a week over the course of one to twelve consecutive weeks or pen appreciation letters to people who’ve been kind and meaningful—become reliably happier and healthier, and remain happier for as long as six months after the experiment is over.” (p. 26)
- “Hence, we can maximize and help sustain (at least in part) the happiness of our marriages and the excitement of our time together by mixing things up—by varying what we do with our partners, by changing our minds, and by being spontaneous. This might seem trite advice, but variety can truly permit our relationships and our loves to remain fresh, meaningful, and positive.” (p. 27)
- “So, our goal should be to create more unexpected moments and unpredictable pleasures in our relationship—surprises that fire and delight. This may be easier said than done, but several strategies have been found to be successful.” (p. 29)
- “Traveling to novel places with our partners—by definition, an activity in which we are no longer slaves to daily routines, have more time to relax and reflect, and are prone to chance experiences—is a no-brainer. So is opening up our socializing to a wider set of acquaintances and friends, or being receptive to new opportunities and adventures. When you and your live-in boyfriend are invited to an intriguing fund-raiser by someone you met at the gym, you go. When the two of you learn about a funky restaurant in a dodgy part of town, you try it. When your spouse develops a new interest in art or Spain or cycling or massively multiplayer online games, you join her on an odyssey to learn more.” (p. 30)
- “in order to fend off boredom in a marriage, couples should mutually engage in what he calls “expanding” activities—that is, novel activities that are stimulating, yield new experiences, and teach new skills—and challenge each other to grow. In a classic experiment, upper-middle-class middle-aged couples were presented with a list of activities that both members had reported doing infrequently and had agreed were either “pleasant” (such as creative cooking, visiting friends, or seeing a movie) or “exciting” (skiing, dancing, or attending concerts).50 Then, over the course of the next ten weeks, they were instructed to select one of these activities each week and to spend ninety minutes doing it together. Those couples that engaged in the “exciting” activities reported being more satisfied with their marriages at the end of the ten weeks than those that simply did “pleasant” or enjoyable things together.” (p. 32)
- “Flourishing relationships have been revealed to be those in which the couple responds “actively and constructively”—that is, with interest and delight—to each other’s windfalls and successes.78 When your husband tells you he’s being promoted, a response marked by joy and enthusiastic questions tells him that you grasp the meaningfulness of his accomplishment (both to him and to you), renders it more memorable, validates its importance, and signals that you care. Both men and women who say that their partners respond in this “active-constructive” way report the highest levels of satisfaction, trust, and intimacy in their relationships.” (p. 42)
- “One study showed that people who strove to show genuine enthusiasm, support, and understanding of their partner’s good news, however small—and did so three times a day over a week—became happier and less depressed.79 It’s not too late to start.” (p. 42)
- “When our spouse affirms us and helps us move closer to our ideal selves, we feel not only happier and more vital because we are accomplishing our goals, but because we feel truly understood, gratified, and grateful.” (p. 44)
- “If you feel bored or lukewarm about your relationship, introducing more (nonsexual) touching and affection on a daily basis will go a long way in rekindling the warmth and tenderness, if not full-fledged passion, that has been lost to time. Studies show that a simple touch can activate the reward regions of our brains, reduce the amount of stress hormones coursing through our bloodstreams, and diminish physical pain by reducing activation in the parts of the brain associated with stress.92 These findings imply that physical contact is almost like a drug; when our spouse touches us, we experience a mild high, we feel less frazzled, and we observe a diminution of discomfort and distress.” (p. 46)