From Sonja Lyubomirky’s book “The How of Happiness”
Why are we so poor at attaining happiness?
- “If permanently boosting our happiness is so attainable, so within reach, why, you might ask, are we so poor at it? Why do we try so often and fail? The prime reason, I suspect, is that we have been conditioned to believe that the wrong things will make us lastingly happy. Psychological scientists have amassed persuasive evidence that we are routinely off base about what will bring us pleasure and fulfillment, and as a result, we sometimes work to make things happen that don’t actually make us happy.
Perhaps the most common error is that we assume that positive events, be they promotions at work, clean bills of health, hot dates, or victories by our preferred presidential candidates or football teams, will provide much more happiness than they really do. Take materialism, the pursuit of money and possessions, as an example. Why is it so hard for us (even myself!) to believe that money really doesn’t make us happy? Because the truth is that money does make us happy. But our misunderstanding, as one happiness researcher eloquently explains, is that “we think money will bring lots of happiness for a long time, and actually it brings a little happiness for a short time.” Meanwhile, in our effortful pursuit of such dead ends to pleasure, we end up ignoring other, more effective routes to well-being.” (p. 16) - “One of the great obstacles to attaining happiness is that most our beliefs about what will make us happy are in fact erroneous. Yet they have been drummed into us, socialized by peers and families and role models and reinforced by the stories and images ever present in our culture. Many of the presumed sources of happiness seem so intuitive and so commonsensical that all of us—even happiness researchers!—are prone to fall under their spell.” (p. 38)
Changing our circumstances won’t make us much happier.
Another big fallacy is the notion that if only something about the circumstances of our lives would change, then we would be happy. This kind of thinking is what I call “I would be happy IF ” or “I will be happy WHEN .”
- “Perhaps the most counterintuitive finding is that as the chart shows, only about 10 percent of the variance in our happiness levels is explained by differences in life circumstances or situations—that is, whether we are rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, beautiful or plain, married or divorced, etc.” (p. 21)
Examples: More money, better job, better house, better car, better tv, better status, better climate, better beauty, age, health, etc. will only have a little effect on our happiness. - “As significant as our major life events are to each of us, studies suggest that they actually determine, as the pie chart shows us, a tiny percentage of our happiness. The 10 percent figure represents an average from many past investigations, which reveal that all life circumstances and situations put together account for only about 10 percent in how happy different people are. So, although you may find it very hard to believe, whether you drive to work in a Lexus hybrid or a battered truck, whether you’re young or old, or have had wrinkle-removing plastic surgery, whether you live in the frigid Midwest or on the balmy West Coast, your chances of being happy and becoming happier are pretty much the same.” (p. 41)
- “The first myth is that happiness is something that we must find, that it’s out there somewhere, a place just beyond our reach, a kind of Shangri-la. We could get there, yes, but only if the right things would come to pass: if we’d marry our true loves, secure our dream jobs, purchase elegant houses. Don’t be the person who is waiting for this, that, or the other thing to happen before she can be happy.” (p. 39)
Here are activities that will make you happier with practice:
Nurture Social Relationships.
- “One of the strongest findings in the literature on happiness is that happy people have better relationships than do their less happy peers. It’s no surprise, then, that investing in social relationships is a potent strategy on the path to becoming happier.” (p. 125)
- “Happy people are exceptionally good at their friendships, families, and intimate relationships. The happier a person is, the more likely he or she is to have a large circle of friends or companions, a romantic partner, and ample social support. The happier the person, the more likely she is to be married and to have a fulfilling and long-lasting marriage. The happier the person, the more likely she is to be satisfied with her family life and social activities, to consider her partner her “great love,” and to receive emotional and tangible support from friends, supervisors, and coworkers.” (p. 138)
- “Make time. Show interest in other people and offer them encouragement. Once a friendship forms, create rituals that allow you to get together and be in touch on a regular basis—a weekly date to go to the gym, a book club, a monthly dinner out, a joint vacation, or a daily e-mail. In this way, friends become as much a priority as all the other areas of your life. However, don’t control all your interactions (let your friends decide which movie to attend at least half the time), and don’t overdo it; give them space when they require it.” (p. 147)
Strive For Intrinsic Goals
- “People who strive for something personally significant, whether it’s learning a new craft, changing careers, or raising moral children, are far happier than those who don’t have strong dreams or aspirations. Find a happy person, and you will find a project.” (p. 205)
“Some devote themselves to lifelong goals vis-à-vis their work, while others commit themselves to making their family, social, or spiritual lives more meaningful. It turns out that the process of working toward a goal, participating in a valued and challenging activity, is as important to well-being as its attainment.” (p. 205) - “Your priority should be to develop that missing passion and impetus. Perhaps you are following the wrong kinds of goals. The goals that you have set for yourself may be ones sold to you by the larger culture—“Make money! Own your own home! Look great!”—and while there may be nothing inherently wrong with striving for those things, they mask the pursuits more likely to deliver true and lasting happiness. In this case, your priority should be to discern which goals will make you happy in the long term and to follow them.” (p. 206)
- “One way that you can own your goals is to choose ones that fit you well. We are happier and more likely to persist at a goal when our striving toward it consistently makes us feel good. The more a goal fits your personality, the more likely that its pursuit will be rewarding and pleasureful and increase your happiness. For example, if you are an extravert, you may do well pursuing goals that involve interactions with other people. If you have a dominant personality, you might wish to take on a leadership activity. If you are on the nurturing side, choose a goal that allows you to take care of others. If you are competitive and achievement-oriented, strive for something that satisfies that spirited drive in you, like winning an athletic tournament or being the most productive worker in your division. Knowing which goal will fit you best takes a bit of self-awareness and emotional intelligence.” (p. 210)
- “the pursuit of goals often involves engaging with other people—teachers, clients, friends, colleagues, and partners—and such social connections can be happiness-inducing in and of themselves. As I discuss in Chapter 5, human beings have a strong “need to belong” and participating in relationships, social groups, and networks not only makes us happy but contributes to our continued thriving and survival.” (p. 208)
Express Gratitude
- “The expression of gratitude is a kind of metastrategy for achieving happiness. Gratitude is many things to many people. It is wonder; it is appreciation; it is looking at the bright side of a setback; it is fathoming abundance; it is thanking someone in your life; it is thanking God; it is “counting blessings.” It is savoring; it is not taking things for granted; it is coping; it is present-oriented. Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, avarice, hostility, worry, and irritation.” (p. 89)
- “People who are consistently grateful have been found to be relatively happier, more energetic, and more hopeful and to report experiencing more frequent positive emotions. They also tend to be more helpful and empathic, more spiritual and religious, more forgiving, and less materialistic than others who are less predisposed to gratefulness. Furthermore, the more a person is inclined to gratitude, the less likely he or she is to be depressed, anxious, lonely, envious, or neurotic.” (p.90)
- “Gratitude journal. If you enjoy writing, if you are good at it, or it feels natural to you, then a promising way to practice this strategy is with a gratitude journal, much like that used by my gratitude intervention participants.
Choose a time of day when you have several minutes to step outside your life and to reflect. It may be first thing in the morning, or during lunch, or while commuting, or before bedtime. Ponder the three to five things for which you are currently grateful, from the mundane (your dryer is fixed, your flowers are finally in bloom, your husband remembered to stop by the store) to the magnificent (your child’s first steps, the beauty of the sky at night). One way to do this is to focus on all the things that you know to be true—for example, something you’re good at, what you like about where you live, goals you have achieved, and your advantages and opportunities. Don’t forget specific individuals who care for you, have made contributions to or sacrifices for you, or somehow touch your life.” (p. 96)
Cultivate Optimism.
- “Looking at the bright side, finding the silver lining in a cloud, noticing what’s right (rather than what’s wrong), giving yourself the benefit of the doubt, feeling good about your future and the future of the world, or simply trusting that you can get through the day all are optimism strategies. Cultivating optimism has a lot in common with cultivating gratitude. Both strategies involve the habit of striving to make out the positive side of your situation.” (p. 101)
- “All that is required to become an optimist is to have the goal and to practice it. The more you rehearse optimistic thoughts, the more “natural” and “ingrained” they will become. With time they will be part of you, and you will have made yourself into an altogether different person. The positive spins and the silver linings will come about automatically and habitually, such that you would need to “practice” optimistic thinking effortfully and intentionally only during times of stress, insecurity, or heartbreak.” (p. 110)
Practice Acts of Kindness.
- What scientific research has recently contributed to this agelong principle is evidence that practicing acts of kindness is not only good for the recipient but also good for the doer. It may be ironic, but being kind and good, even when it’s unpleasant or when one expects or receives nothing in return, may also be in the doer’s self-interest. This is because being generous and willing to share makes people happy. (p. 126)
- “If you decide to become a more generous, compassionate, and giving person, you will know what you should do. Ever babysat for a harried parent when you weren’t asked? Ever traveled to see a friend in need? Donated your money or your time? Smiled at someone who needed a smile even when it was the hardest thing to do at that very moment? Needless to say, the options for helping are unlimited. You only have to open your mind to the possibilities for kindness; if you look with fresh eyes, they are all around you. Furthermore, no particular talent, measure of time, or amount of money is required. The deed need not be grand or complicated. Moreover, if you’re ever at a loss about what act of kindness, generosity, or charity to carry out, you need to look no farther than your home, your workplace, or your community.” (p. 132)
- “Variety is the spice of life. A second implication stemming from my kindness studies is to mix up, spice up, vary, what you do. Putting change into a parking meter or doing an extra chore gives you a lift the first few times you do it, but after a time you will adapt to the new habit, and it will no longer grant the same amount of happiness. (This doesn’t mean that you should necessarily stop doing it, only that you’ll be obliged to add another act of kindness to your routine.)” (p. 133)
Increase Flow Experiences.
- “Have you ever been so absorbed in what you were doing—painting, writing, conversing, playing chess, woodworking, fishing, praying, Web surfing—that you completely lost track of time? Perhaps you even failed to notice that you were very hungry or that your back ached from sitting for so long or that you needed to use the bathroom? Did nothing else seem to matter? If the answer is yes, then you have experienced a state called flow.” (p. 181)
- “Indeed, we can experience flow in almost anything we do, however monotonous or tedious it might appear: waiting for the bus; changing a diaper; working on an assembly line, listening to a lecture; even standing at baggage claim. I often experience flow while analyzing data. Sometimes five hours will go by, and they feel like five minutes. On the other hand, some of us fail to experience flow (feeling bored or anxious instead) even during apparently exciting or captivating events—a sailing adventure, an action movie, or a dance recital. If we train ourselves to obtain flow in as many circumstances as possible, we will have happier lives.” (p. 182)
- “Control attention. To increase the frequency and length of flow experiences in your daily life, you need to become fully engaged and involved. Whether it’s writing a letter, making phone calls on behalf of a client, or playing Candy Land or a round of golf, seek work, home, and leisure activities that engage your skills and expertise. How exactly do you accomplish this? The secret is attention.” (p. 184)
Savor Life’s Joys
- “Researchers define savoring as any thoughts or behaviors capable of “generating, intensifying, and prolonging enjoyment.”13 When you “stop and smell the roses” instead of walking by obliviously, you are savoring. When you bask and take pride in your own or your friends’ accomplishments, you are savoring. When you suddenly emerge out of a frazzled or distracted state (e.g., while talking on the phone or running errands) and become fully aware of how much there is to enjoy of life, you are savoring.” (p. 191)
- “Relish ordinary experiences. The first challenge in using the strategy of savoring is to learn how to appreciate and take pleasure in mundane, everyday experiences.” (p. 193)
- “Take pleasure in the senses. Luxuriating, or indulging the senses, is one of the key ways to promote savoring. Pay close attention to and take delight in momentary pleasures, wonders, and magical moments. Focus on the sweetness of a ripe mango, the aroma of a bakery, or the warmth of the sun when you step out from the shade. Take in the cool, fresh air after a storm, the brushstrokes of an impressionist painting, or the crescendo of a symphony. One laboratory experiment revealed that people who focused their attention on the sensory experience of consuming chocolate reported more pleasure than those who were distracted while eating.” (p. 199)
Meditate.
- “An avalanche of studies has shown that meditation has multiple positive effects on a person’s happiness and positive emotions, on physiology, stress, cognitive abilities, and physical health, as well as on other harder-to-assess attributes, like “self-actualization” and moral maturity.” (p. 241)
- “In two different studies, college students who undertook a program to learn about and practice meditation showed bigger improvements on an intelligence test as well as in their course test grades, relative to control groups. Another study, with premedical and medical students, found that those who were instructed to practice mindfulness meditation reported greater spiritual experiences and empathy for others—and lower anxiety and depression, even during the stressful exam period—than those in a control group placed on a wait list.” (p. 242)
Exercise!
- “Aerobic exercise was just as effective at treating depression as was Zoloft, or as a combination of exercise and Zoloft. Yet exercise is a lot less expensive, usually with no side effects apart from soreness. Perhaps even more remarkably, six months later, participants who had “remitted” (recovered) from their depressions were less likely to relapse if they had been in the exercise group (six months ago!) than if they had been in the medication group.” (p. 245)
- “surveys show, and large-scale randomized interventions confirm, that exercise may very well be the most effective instant happiness booster of all activities.” (p.245)
Avoid Social Comparisons.
- “You can’t be envious and happy at the same time. People who pay too much attention to social comparisons find themselves chronically vulnerable, threatened, and insecure.” (p. 116)
- “The more social comparisons you make, the more likely you are to encounter unfavorable comparisons, and the more sensitive you are to social comparisons, the more likely you are to suffer their negative consequences.” (p. 116)
- “observations of how other people are doing or about what they have can be pernicious. “Upward” comparisons (e.g., “He’s paid a higher salary,” “She’s thinner”) may lead to feelings of inferiority, distress, and loss of self-esteem,” (p. 116)
- “happy people we interviewed didn’t seem to care. Instead, they appeared to use their own internal standards to judge themselves (e.g., how good they sensed they were at math or cooking or conversation), rather than let others’ performances influence their feelings about themselves. (p. 116)
- “we found that the happiest people take pleasure in other people’s successes and show concern in the face of others’ failures. A completely different portrait, however, has emerged of a typical unhappy person—namely, as someone who is deflated rather than delighted about his peers’ accomplishments and triumphs and who is relieved rather than sympathetic in the face of his peers’ failures and undoings.” (p. 117)
Characteristics of Happy People
“Below is a sample of my observations, as well as those of other researchers, of the thinking and behavior patterns of the happiest participants in our studies.
- They devote a great amount of time to their family and friends, nurturing and enjoying those relationships.
- They are comfortable expressing gratitude for all they have.
- They are often the first to offer helping hands to coworkers and passersby.
- They practice optimism when imagining their futures.
- They savor life’s pleasures and try to live in the present moment.
- They make physical exercise a weekly and even daily habit.
- They are deeply committed to lifelong goals and ambitions (e.g., fighting fraud, building cabinets, or teaching their children their deeply held values).
- Last but not least, the happiest people do have their share of stresses, crises, and even tragedies. They may become just as distressed and emotional in such circumstances as you or I, but their secret weapon is the poise and strength they show in coping in the face of challenge.” (p. 22)
Other Good Quotes:
- “If you’re not happy today, then you won’t be happy tomorrow unless you take things into your own hands and take action. To understand that 40 percent of our happiness is determined by intentional activity is to appreciate the promise of the great impact that you can make on your own life through intentional strategies that you can implement to remake yourself as a happier person.” (p. 40)
- “Happiness is not out there for us to find. The reason that it’s not out there is that it’s inside us. As banal and clichéd as this might sound, happiness, more than anything, is a state of mind, a way of perceiving and approaching ourselves and the world in which we reside. So, if you want to be happy tomorrow, the day after, and for the rest of your life, you can do it by choosing to change and manage your state of mind.” (p. 40)