From Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Make The Other Person Feel Important- and Do it Sincerely.
“The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. John Dewey, as we have already noted, said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” (p. 127)
“Jesus summed it up in one thought—probably the most important rule in the world: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” (p. 128)
“Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to ———?” “Won’t you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you”—little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life—and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.” (p. 129)
“The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely. Remember what Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” (p. 131)
“And the pathetic part of it is that frequently those who have the least justification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos by a show of tumult and conceit which is truly nauseating.” (p. 131)
Carnegie saw a clerk and thought of a way to get the clerk to like him. What could he say they he honestly admired? He told him he wish he had his nice full hair. The clerk was happy.
A man and his wife went to see his wife’s relatives. The man talked to the old aunt and tried to find something he honestly liked. He told her he admired the house. The aunt proudly showed off her house and precious items in the house. The aunt was so happy that she offered the man her car.
“Why, aunty,” he said, “you overwhelm me. I appreciate your generosity, of course; but I couldn’t possibly accept it. I’m not even a relative of yours.
She said, “Relatives!” she exclaimed. “Yes, I have relatives who are just waiting till I die so they can get that car. But they are not going to get it.” (p. 133)
All she wanted is to feel important and someone to show sincere appreciation for her.
“This lady, left all alone in a big house with her paisley shawls, her French antiques, and her memories, was starving for a little recognition. She had once been young and beautiful and sought after. She had once built a house warm with love and had collected things from all over Europe to make it beautiful. Now, in the isolated loneliness of old age, she craved a little human warmth, a little genuine appreciation—and no one gave it to her. And when she found it, like a spring in the desert, her gratitude couldn’t adequately express itself with anything less than the gift of her cherished Packard.” (p. 133)
A worker in a restaurant sent a letter for resignation. The owner persuaded her not to.
‘Paulette, you must understand that I cannot accept your resignation. You mean a great deal to me and to this company, and you are as important to the success of this restaurant as I am.’ I repeated this in front of the entire staff, and I invited her to my home and reiterated my confidence in her with my family present.” (p. 138)