From “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” from John Gottman
Principle 1- Love Maps
“To this day, I’m struck by the story of this couple. Here was an intellectually gifted man who didn’t even know the name of the family dog or how to find the back door! Of the many problems their relationship faced, perhaps the most fundamental was Rory’s shocking lack of knowledge about his home life. He had become so caught up in his work that there was little space left over in his brain for the basics of his wife’s world.” (p. 53)
“In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change. When she orders him a salad, she knows what kind of dressing he likes. If she works late, he’ll think to record her favorite TV show. He could tell you how she’s feeling about her boss and exactly how to get to her office from the elevator. He knows that religion is important to her but that deep down she has doubts. She knows that he fears being too much like his father and considers himself a “free spirit.” They know each other’s life goals, worries, and hopes.” (p. 54)
“Maggie and Ken knew each other only a short time when they married and decided to have a family. But what their relationship lacked in longevity, they made up for in intimacy. They were in touch not just with the outlines of each other’s lives—their favorite hobbies, sports, and so on—but with each other’s deepest longings, beliefs, and fears. No matter how busy they were, they made each other their priority—always taking the time to catch up on each other’s day. And at least once a week, they’d go out for dinner and just talk—sometimes about politics, sometimes about the weather, sometimes about their own marriage.” (p. 55)
“When their daughter Alice was born, Maggie decided to give up her job to stay home with the baby. She herself was surprised by the decision, since she had always been very career driven. But when she became a mother, her fundamental sense of meaning in life changed. She found she was willing to undergo great sacrifices for Alice’s sake. Now she wanted the savings they had earmarked for a motorboat to go into a college fund. What happened to Maggie happens to many new parents—the experience of having a child is so profound that your whole notion of who you are and what you value gets reshuffled.”
“At first, Ken was confused by the changes in his wife. The woman he thought he knew was transforming before his eyes. But because they were in the habit of staying deeply connected, Ken was able to keep up to date on what Maggie was thinking and feeling. Too often when a new baby comes, the husband gets left behind. (More on this and ways of dealing with it in chapter 10.) He can’t keep up with his wife’s metamorphosis, which he may not understand or be happy about. Knowing Maggie had always been a priority to Ken, so he didn’t do what too many new fathers do—he didn’t back away from this new charmed circle of mother and child. As a result, they went through the transformation to parenthood together, without losing sight of each other or their marriage.”
“Having a baby is just one life event that can cause couples to lose their way if they don’t have a detailed love map. Any major change—from a job shift to a move to illness or retirement—can have the same effect. Just the passage of time can do it as well. The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.” (p. 55)