From Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
Principle 1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain.
- “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.” (p. 27-28)
- “When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.” (p. 36)
- “Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.” (p. 40)
- “B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.” (p. 28)
- “The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.” (p. 28)
- ““Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” said Confucius, “when your own doorstep is unclean.” (p. 35)
Examples:
- Al Capone and other notorious criminals sincerely believed they should not be blamed for the crimes they committed.
- As a young lawyer, Abraham Lincoln openly criticized opponent in letters and newspapers. One politician was so angry that he challenged Lincoln to a fight to death. Lincoln was supposed to meet this angry politician, but at the last second the meeting was called off.
From then on, Lincoln never wrote an insulting letter, and almost never criticized anybody for anything.
- Lincoln directed general Mead to attack Lee as Lincoln believed it would be an easy victory. General Mead did the opposite and decided not to attack Lee.
Lincoln was furious and wrote a letter criticizing Mead. The important thing was Lincoln never mailed the letter! “So, as I have already said, Lincoln put the letter aside, for he had learned by bitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility.” (p. 34)