From “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” from John Gottman
Principle 3- Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away.
“In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.”
“A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life. Comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner asks, “Are we out of butter?” and you answer, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of shrugging apathetically. It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take a few seconds out of your schedule to send him an encouraging text. In all of these instances, partners are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away.” (p. 88)
“For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.” (p. 89)
“For starters, think about the timing of the chat. Some people want to unburden themselves when they’re barely through the door. But others need to decompress on their own for a while before they’re ready to interact. Be aware of the ideal timing for each of you so that you are both in the mood to talk. On a typical day, spend twenty to thirty minutes on this conversation. The cardinal rule is that you talk about whatever is on your mind outside your marriage. This is not the time to discuss any conflicts between you. Instead, it’s an opportunity to support each other emotionally concerning other areas in your lives. This exercise is really a form of active listening, in which you respond to each other’s venting with empathy and without judgment. Since the griping isn’t about each other or your marriage, it’s much easier to express support and understanding.” (p. 97)
“Here are detailed instructions for using active listening during the “Stress-Reducing Conversation.”
1. Take turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes.
2. Show genuine interest. Don’t let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focused on your partner. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Nod, say “Uh-huh,” and so on.
3. Don’t give unsolicited advice. When someone you love expresses pain, it is natural to want to fix the problem or make the person feel better. But oftentimes your spouse isn’t asking you to come up with a solution at all—just to be a good listener or offer a ready shoulder to cry on. So unless your partner has specifically asked for help, don’t try to fix the problem, change how your partner feels, or rescue him or her. Instead, your motto should be “Don’t do something, just be there!” I see the fallout from unsolicited advice all the time in my work with couples.” (p. 98)
“Although this has changed somewhat over the years, I still find that in heterosexual couples it tends to be the husband who gets caught up in trying to solve his partner’s problems. These men are often relieved when I tell them that it is not their responsibility to rescue their partner. In fact, such attempts to “save” her tend to backfire. When a wife shares her troubles, she usually reacts very negatively if her husband tries to give her advice right away. Instead, she wants to hear that he understands and feels compassion.” (p. 99)
“I’m not suggesting that it is never appropriate to problem-solve when your partner is upset. But to paraphrase psychologist Haim Ginott, the cardinal rule is “Understanding must precede advice.” You have to let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma. Only then will he or she be receptive to suggestions.” (p. 99)
4. “Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know that you empathize. If you tend to be on the quiet side or aren’t in the habit of sharing emotions, you might be uncertain about what to say to show understanding. So here’s a list of suggested phrases—use any that feel comfortable to you.”
“What a bummer.”
“I’d be stressed out, too.”
“I can see why you feel that way.”
“You’re making total sense.”
“I get it.”
“You’re in a tough spot here.”
“I wish you didn’t have to go through that.”
“I’m on your side.”
5. “Take your partner’s side. This means expressing support even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don’t back the opposition—this will make your spouse resentful or dejected. If your wife’s boss chewed her out for being five minutes late, don’t say, “Oh, well, maybe Bud was just having a bad day.” And certainly don’t say, “Well, you shouldn’t have been late.” Instead, say, “That’s so unfair!” The point isn’t to be dishonest. It’s just that timing is everything. When your partner comes to you for emotional support (rather than for advice), your job is not to cast moral judgment or to tell him or her what to do. It is to express empathy. In other words, your job is to say, “Poor baby!”
6. Express a “we against others” attitude. If your mate is feeling all alone in facing some difficulty, express solidarity. Let him or her know that the two of you are in this together.
7. Show affection. Hold your mate, put an arm on his or her shoulder, say, “I love you.”
8. Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you. Phrases that communicate this include “Yeah, that is really so sad,” “That would have me worried, too,” and “I can see why you’d be annoyed about that.” (p. 100)
“If your spouse is ranting about the promotion he didn’t get, you can say something like, “You’re obviously really upset about this. How can I help you? Do you need me just to listen, or do you want me to help you brainstorm what to do next?” (p. 102)
How to Listen:
“I can’t emphasize enough how beneficial it will be to your relationship to give your partner the gift of being there when he or she is upset. After years of studying couples in the lab and working with them directly, it has become clear to me that happy couples live by the credo “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.” Of course, when your partner’s negativity is directed at you, it’s especially hard to listen. You’ll find advice on handling that in chapter 9. But here, we are talking about those times in your day-to-day interactions when one of you shuts out the other’s appeal for emotional support.” (p. 103)
“Use exploratory statements and open-ended questions. You want your partner to talk, so frame your reactions to what you’re hearing as either exploratory statements or open-ended questions. These approaches both express support and encourage a response. (For more on open-ended questions, see this page—Love Maps exercise.)
EXAMPLES OF EXPLORATORY STATEMENTS:
“Tell me the story of that.”
“I want to know everything you’re feeling.”
“Nothing is more important to me right now than listening to you.”
“We have lots of time to talk.”
“Tell me your major concerns here.”
“I think you’re being very clear. Go on” (p. 104)
EXAMPLES OF OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS:
“What are your concerns? (This is my favorite question.)”
“Can you tell me more about what you’re feeling?”
“What do you need from me right now?”
“What mixed feelings do you have?”
“What is your worst-case scenario?”
“What makes this situation so difficult or stressful?”
“Help me understand this situation from your point of view.” (p. 104)
“Don’t ask “Why?” Here is a major exception to the suggestion that you ask open-ended questions: Avoid queries that start with “Why?” People who come from a problem-solving orientation tend to love this word. But in a discussion about what your partner is feeling, “Why?” will almost always sound like criticism. When you ask, “Why do you think that?” the other person is likely to hear, “Stop thinking that, you’re wrong!” A more successful approach would be, “What leads you to think that?” or, “Help me understand how you decided that.” (p. 105)
“Don’t minimize it. A common pitfall while listening to your partner express fear or worry is to minimize it as a way of reassuring. Phrases like “Don’t be silly” and “There’s nothing at all to be afraid of” may be well-intentioned, but they can come across as ridicule. In his book The Gift of Fear, security expert Gavin de Becker shows that our best guide for staying safe is to develop an intuitive sense of when we are confronting a dangerous situation or person. De Becker counsels that when we get such a gut feeling, we trust that fear instead of dismissing it. Even small worries or discomforts indicate that the person feels his everyday world is not a safe place.” (p. 107)
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