From “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” from John Gottman
Principle 4- Let Your Partner Influence You
“Jeremy has made his wife a partner in his decision making. He respects and honors his wife and her opinions and feelings. He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to share the driver’s seat.” (p. 115)
“It’s certainly just as important for wives to treat their husbands with honor and respect. But my data indicate that the vast majority of wives—even in unstable marriages—already do that. This doesn’t mean that they don’t get angry and even contemptuous of their husbands. It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. But too often, men do not return the favor.” (p. 116)
“Our study didn’t really find that men should give up all of their personal power and let their wives rule their lives. But we did find that the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife. When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.” (p. 116)
“So if a husband said, “You’re not listening to me!” the wife would usually say something like, “Sorry, I’m listening now” (a repair that ratchets down the negativity) or “I’m finding it hard to listen to you!” which matched her husband’s anger but didn’t go beyond it.” (p. 117)
“You’re not listening to me!” the husband would either ignore her (stonewall), become defensive (“Yes, I am!”), criticize (“I don’t listen because what you say never makes any sense”), or express contempt (“Why waste my time?”). Using one of the four horsemen to escalate a conflict is a telltale sign that a man is resisting his wife’s influence. Rather than acknowledging his wife’s feelings, this kind of husband is using the four horsemen to drown her out, to obliterate her point of view. One way or another, this approach leads to instability in the marriage. Even if the husband doesn’t react this way very often, there’s still an 81 percent chance that he’s damaging the relationship.” (p. 117)
“Whatever the reason for the gender disparity, the data indicate that husbands are far more likely than their wives to use the four horsemen to escalate a marital disagreement. And when they do, they are also more likely to put their marriage at risk. So although it certainly makes sense for both partners to avoid intensifying conflicts in this way, the bottom line is that husbands need to be particularly vigilant about accepting their wives’ influence.” (p. 118)