From “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” from John Gottman
Principle 5- Solve Your Solvable Problems
“The popular approach to conflict resolution, advocated by many marital therapists, is to attempt to put yourself in your partner’s shoes while listening intently to what he or she says, and then to communicate, with empathy, that you see the dilemma from his or her perspective.”
“It’s not a bad method—if you can do it. But, as I’ve said, many couples can’t—including many very happily married couples. Plenty of the people we studied who had enviable, loving relationships did not follow the experts’ rules of communication when they argued. But they were still able to resolve their conflicts. By studying intently what these couples did do, I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship.”
“My fifth principle entails the following steps:
1. Soften your start-up.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise.
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger. “
“Most of these steps take very little training because we all pretty much have these skills already; we just get out of the habit of using them in our most intimate relationship. To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, “Here. You forgot your umbrella.” We would never think of saying, “What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful, for God’s sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?” We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings, even if things don’t go so well. When a guest spills wine, we say, “No problem. Would you like another glass?” not, “You just ruined my best tablecloth. I can’t depend on you to do anything right. I will never invite you to my home again.” (p. 160)
Soften Your Startup
“If there’s one similarity between happy and unhappy heterosexual marriages, it’s that the wife is far more likely than the husband to bring up a touchy issue and to push to resolve it. Husbands are more likely to try to distance themselves from hard-to-face concerns. Again, there are physiological reasons for this gender gap. Men tend to experience flooding much more easily because their bodies are more reactive to emotional stress than their wives’. So they are more inclined to avoid confrontation.” (p. 162)
“Perhaps the most important quality of this exchange is the virtual absence of the four horsemen. There is no criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. The reason these harbingers of doom don’t make an appearance is that Justine’s start-up is soft. In contrast, a harsh start-up usually begins the cycle of the four horsemen, which leads to flooding and, in turn, increased emotional distance and loneliness that lets the marriage wither.” (p. 163)
“In another happy marriage, the big issue is that Andrea wants Dave to become more involved with the church. But she hardly bangs him over the head with a Bible. Instead she says, “Going to church is not something I need every day. But it’s a comfort.” Then she tells him, “I don’t like you going just because of me.” By the time she tells him directly, “I want a little bit more involvement from you than just Easter, Christmas, and Mother’s Day,” he is ready to compromise. “Okay, I’ll go to church on big, important days and … maybe some Sundays.” (p. 164)
“The best soft start-up has four parts: (1) “I share some responsibility for this …” (2) Here’s how I feel … (3) about a specific situation and … (4) here’s what I need … (positive need, not what you don’t need). Instead of pointing your finger at your partner, you are pointing your finger at yourself. To convert a negative need to a positive one, focus on your negative emotions and look for the longing behind those feelings. If you could wave a magic wand, what would you wish for? What is your recipe for your partner to be successful with you right now?” (p. 165)
“Although the wife is usually responsible for a harsh start-up, the secret to avoiding it is for both partners to work together on the first four principles. Do this, and the wife’s start-up softens as a matter of course. So if your spouse tends to raise issues harshly, the best advice I can give is to make sure she (or he) is feeling known, respected, and loved by you, and that you accept your partner’s influence. Harsh start-up is often a reaction that sets in when a wife feels her husband doesn’t respond to her low-level complaints or irritability. So if you comply with a minor request like “It’s your turn to take out the garbage, please,” you avoid having the situation escalate into “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you deaf? Take out the damn garbage!” If you are the one more responsible for harsh start-ups in your relationship, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to the fate of your marriage to soften up. Remember: If you go straight for the jugular, you’re going to draw plenty of blood.” (p. 166)
“You could say something like, “Hey, there’s poop all over the backyard. We agreed you’d clean up after Banjo. I’m really upset about this. Would you please clean it up?” While this is confrontational, it’s not an attack. You’re simply complaining about a particular situation, not your partner’s personality or character. What’s not okay is to say something like, “Hey, there’s poop all over the backyard. This is all your fault. I just knew you’d be irresponsible about that dog. I should never have trusted you about it in the first place.” However justified you may feel in blaming your spouse, the bottom line is that this approach is not productive.” (p. 167)
“Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You.” “I statements” have been a staple of interpersonal psychology ever since the mid-1960s when Thomas Gordon noted that phrases starting with “I” were usually less likely to be critical and to make the listener defensive than statements starting with “You.” Here’s the difference: “You are not listening to me” versus “I would like it if you’d listen to me.” “You are careless with money” versus “I want us to save more.” “You just don’t care about me” versus “I’m feeling neglected.” Clearly, the “I” statements above are gentler than their “You” counterparts.” (p. 167)
“Don’t store things up. It’s hard to be gentle when you’re ready to burst with recriminations. So don’t wait too long before bringing up an issue—otherwise it will just escalate in your mind.” (p. 168)
Learn to Make and Receive Repair Attempts:
“Because repair attempts can be difficult to hear if your relationship is engulfed in negativity, the best strategy under such circumstances is to make your attempts obviously formal in order to emphasize them. Below you’ll find a long list of scripted phrases. These are specific words you can say to your spouse to de-escalate the tension. By using them when arguments get too negative, you’ll be able to keep your discussions from spiraling out of control. Some couples even copy this list and stick it on their refrigerator for handy reference. Formalizing repair attempts by using these scripted phrases can help you defuse arguments in two ways. First, the formality of a script ensures that you will use the type of words that work well for putting on the brakes. Second, these phrases are like megaphones—they help ensure that you pay attention to a repair attempt when you’re on the receiving end.” (p. 175)
Soothe Yourself and Each Other:
“The first step in dealing with flooding is to end the discussion. Now. If you keep going, you’ll find yourself exploding at your partner or imploding (stonewalling), neither of which will get you anywhere. Don’t think, “We’ll take a break as soon as I’ve made my point,” because you’ll end up never taking a break at all. Just. Stop. Let your spouse know that you’re feeling flooded. The break should last at least twenty minutes, since it will take that long for your body to calm down. It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation and innocent victimhood. Spend your time doing something soothing and distracting, like listening to music, taking a walk, or reading. Exercising is also a good choice as long as you enjoy it and don’t spend your workout time nursing your anger or sadness or rehearsing the verbal arrows you will launch after the break. Many people find that the best approach to self-soothing is to focus on calming the body through a meditative technique.” (p. 183)
Here’s a simple one:
“If your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute (80 if you’re an athlete), you won’t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try. Take a twenty-minute break before continuing.”
Compromise:
“Like it or not, compromise is the only way to solve marital problems. In an intimate, loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either of you to get things all your way, even if you’re convinced that you’re right. This approach would create such inequity and unfairness that the marriage would suffer.” (p. 184)
“Often when couples don’t succeed at compromising, it isn’t through lack of trying but because they’ve gone about it the wrong way. Negotiation is possible only after you’ve followed the steps above—softening start-up, repairing your discussion, and keeping calm. Together, these will create a positive atmosphere. Remember: Compromise is not about just one person changing. It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other. You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws and foibles. Instead, you will be on a relentless campaign to alter your spouse.” (p. 184)
“This means that for a compromise to work, you can’t have a closed mind to your spouse’s opinions and desires. You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be open to considering his or her position. That’s what accepting influence is really all about. If you find yourself sitting with your arms folded and shaking your head no (or just thinking it) when your spouse is trying to talk out a problem, your discussion will never get anywhere.” (p. 184)
“Your partner can assist you in seeing things from his or her perspective. Ask questions to help you understand his or her point of view. Remember to search for the part of your spouse’s perspective that an objective bystander would consider reasonable.” (p. 185)
Finding Common Ground:
“Decide together which solvable problem you want to tackle. Start by sitting separately and thinking about the problem. On a piece of paper, draw two circles—a smaller one inside a larger one. In the inner circle, make a list of the aspects of the problem you can’t give in on. In the outer circle, list all of the aspects of the problem you can compromise over. Remember the aikido principle of yielding to win—the more able you are to make concessions, the better able you’ll be to persuade your spouse. So try hard to keep your outer circle as large as possible and your inner circle as small as possible.” (p. 185)
Processing a Previous Emotional Injury:
STEP 1: “Choose a specific incident to work through. Select a conflict that you both feel you can now discuss with some emotional distance. For the purpose of this exercise, imagine that you are sitting in the balcony of a theater during the intermission, discussing what happened during Act One—except that Act One was the unfortunate incident and you were the actors on stage.”
STEP 2: Decide who will speak first. For this exercise, you will take turns being speaker and listener. Don’t switch roles until the speaker is finished talking. When you’re the listener, sit back and take in what your partner has to say without interrupting.
STEP 3: Say out loud what you were feeling then. When you are the speaker, list aloud all of the feelings you had to any degree during the argument or regrettable incident. (See the list below for help.) Do not discuss why you had these emotions. When you are the listener, don’t comment on your partner’s emotions.” (p. 188)
“What’s one thing I can do to avoid having this kind of regrettable incident or argument again?”
What’s one thing my partner can do to avoid having this kind of regrettable incident or argument again? (Be as agreeable as possible to the plans suggested by your partner.)” (p. 194)