From “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” from John Gottman
Here are the signs that can predict Divorce.
First sign- The Harsh Start Up
“Dara immediately becomes negative and accusatory. When Oliver broaches the subject of housework, she’s ready to be sarcastic.” (p. 31)
“When a discussion leads off this way—with criticism and/or sarcasm, which is a form of contempt—it has begun with a “harsh start-up.” Although Dara talks to Oliver in a very soft, quiet voice, there’s a load of negative power in her words. After hearing the first minute or so of their conversation, it’s no surprise to me that by the end Dara and Oliver haven’t resolved their differences at all.”
“The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh start-up, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to “make nice” in between. Statistics tell the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction! A harsh start-up simply dooms you to failure. So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over.” (p. 32)
Second Sign- The Four Horseman
Horseman 1: Criticism.
“You will always have some complaints about the person you live with. But there’s a world of difference between complaint and criticism.
A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event. “I’m really angry that you didn’t sweep the kitchen last night. We agreed that we’d take turns. Could you please do it now?” is a complaint. Like many complaints, it has three parts:
(1) Here’s how I feel (“I’m really angry”);
(2) About a very specific situation (“you didn’t sweep last night”);
(3) And here’s what I need/want/prefer (“Could you do it now?”).
In contrast, a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality: “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care.”
“Statements that contain complaints are soft start-ups, while those that criticize are harsh start-ups. Two very common forms of criticism are statements that contain “you always” or “you never.” But you can turn any complaint into a criticism just by inserting my “favorite” line: “What is wrong with you?” (p. 32)
Examples:
Complaint.- “There’s no gas in the car. I’m upset that you didn’t fill it up like you said you would. Could you please deal with it tomorrow?”
Criticism.– “Why can’t you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn’t. You’re always so careless.” (p. 33)
Complaint. – “I need you to check with me before inviting anyone over for dinner. I wanted to spend time alone with you tonight. I want us to schedule a romantic evening this week.”
Criticism. – “Why do you keep putting your friends ahead of me? I always come last on your list. Are you avoiding spending time alone with me?” (p. 34)
Horseman 2: Contempt.
“The second horseman arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect.
Its arrival is heralded when Dara literally sneers at her husband’s suggestion that they keep a list of his chores on the refrigerator to help him remember. She says, “Do you think you work really well with lists?”
Next, Oliver tells her that he needs fifteen minutes to relax when he gets home before starting to do chores. “So if I leave you alone for fifteen minutes, then you think you’ll be motivated to jump up and do something?” she asks him, still sneering. “Maybe. We haven’t tried it, have we?” Oliver asks. Dara has an opportunity here to soften up, but instead she comes back with sarcasm. “I think you do a pretty good job of coming home and lying around or disappearing into the bathroom,” she says. And then she adds challengingly, “So you think that’s the cure-all, to give you fifteen minutes?”
“Dara’s sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you’re disgusted with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.” (p. 34)
Example of Contempt:
“Listen to what happens when he and Cynthia try to discuss their conflicting views about spending money. He says, “Just look at the difference in our vehicles and our clothes. I think that says a lot for who we are and what we value. I mean, you tease me about washing my truck, and you go and pay to have somebody wash your car. We’re paying through the nose for your car, and you can’t be bothered to wash it. I think that’s outrageous. I think that’s probably the most spoiled thing that you do.” (p. 35)
“Listening to this discussion, it becomes clear that Peter’s main purpose is to demean his wife. His contempt comes in the guise of assuming the high moral ground, as when he says: “I think that says a lot for who we are and what we value” or “I don’t come from the mentality of ‘just go out and buy a new one.’ ” (p. 36)
“Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner. You’re more likely to have such thoughts if your differences are not resolved.” (p. 36).
Horseman 3: Defensiveness.
Example of Defensiveness:
“It’s no surprise, considering how nasty her husband is being, that Cynthia defends herself. She points out that she doesn’t get her car washed as often as he thinks. She explains that it’s more difficult physically for her to wash her car herself than it is for him to wash his truck. Although it’s understandable that Cynthia would defend herself, research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”
“One common form of defensiveness is the “innocent victim” stance, which often entails whining and sends the message: “Why are you picking on me? What about all the good things I do? There’s no pleasing you.”
“Defensiveness in all its guises just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly. When Cynthia tells Peter how hard it is for her to wash her car, he doesn’t say, “Oh, now I understand.” He ignores her excuse—he doesn’t even acknowledge what she’s said. He climbs farther up his high moral ground, telling her how well he takes care of his vehicle and implying that she’s spoiled for not doing the same. Cynthia can’t win—and neither can their marriage.”
“Criticism, contempt, and defensiveness don’t always gallop into a home in strict order. They function more like a relay match—handing the baton off to each other over and over again if the couple can’t put a stop to it.” (p. 36)
Horseman 4: Stonewalling
“Stonewalling. In marriages where discussions begin with a harsh start-up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa, eventually one partner tunes out. This trumpets the arrival of the fourth horseman.”
Example:
“Think of the husband who comes home from work, gets met with a barrage of criticism from his stay-at-home wife, and responds by turning on the TV. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually he gets up and leaves the room. Rather than confronting his wife, he disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage.” (p. 38)
“During a typical conversation between two people, the listener gives plenty of cues to the speaker that he’s paying attention. He may use eye contact, nod his head, and say something like “Yeah” or “Uh-huh.” But a stonewaller doesn’t give this sort of casual feedback. He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound. He sits like an impassive stone wall. The stonewaller acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he even hears it.” (p. 38)
The Third Sign- Flooding
“Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons. First, they signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other. Second, the physical sensations of feeling flooded—the increased heart rate, sweating, and so on—make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion. When your body goes into overdrive during an argument, it is responding to a very primitive alarm system we inherited from our prehistoric ancestors. All those distressful reactions, like a pounding heart and sweating, occur because on a fundamental level your body perceives your current situation as dangerous.” (p. 41)
“It may seem to Rita that her criticism and contempt have no effect on Mack. But nothing could be further from the truth. Usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed, a sensation we call flooding. It occurs when your spouse’s negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves you shell-shocked. You feel so defenseless against this sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay. The more often you feel flooded by your spouse’s criticism or contempt, the more hypervigilant you are for cues that your spouse is about to “blow” again. That’s why all Mack can think about is protecting himself from how awful Rita’s onslaught makes him feel. And the way he does that is to disengage emotionally from the relationship.” (p. 39)
“A marriage’s meltdown can be predicted, then, by habitual harsh start-up and frequent flooding brought on by the relentless presence of the four horsemen during disagreements. Although each of these factors alone can predict a divorce, they usually coexist in an unhappy marriage.” (p. 40)
The Fourth Sign- Body Language
“When we monitor couples for bodily changing during a tense discussion, we can see just how physically distressing flooding is. One of the most apparent of these physical reactions is that the heart speeds up- pounding away at more than 100 beats per minute- even as high as 165. Hormonal changes occur, too , including the secretion of adrenaline, which kicks in the “flight or flight response.” (p. 40)
“Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons. First, they signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other. Second, the physical sensations of feeling flooded- the increased heart rate, sweating, and so on- make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.” (p. 41)
“Creative problem solving and your sense of humor go out the window. You’re left with the most reflexive, least intellectually sophisticated responses in your repertoire: to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive) or flee (stonewall). Any chance of resolving the issue is gone. Most likely, the discussion will just worsen the situation.” (p. 42)
“As part of our experiments, we asked couples to watch themselves arguing on tape and then tell us what they were thinking when our sensors detected they were flooded.” (p. 43)
The Fifth Sign- Failed Repair Attempts:
“Repair attempts save marriages not just because they decrease emotional tension between spouses, but because by lowering the stress level they also prevent your heart from racing and making you feel flooded.” (p. 44)
“In emotionally intelligent marriages, I hear a wide range of successful repair attempts. Each person has his or her own approach. Olivia and Nathaniel stick out their tongues; other couples laugh or smile or say they’re sorry. Even an irritated “Hey, stop yelling at me” or “You’re getting off the topic” can defuse a tense situation. All such repair attempts keep a marriage stable, because they prevent the four horsemen from moving in for good.” (p. 45)
The Sixth Sign- Bad Memories:
“When a marriage is not going well, history gets rewritten- for the worse.”
“Peter and Cynthia have such distorted memories because the negativity between them has become so intense, it’s been cast in stone. When the four horseman overrun a home, impairing the communication, the negativity mushrooms to such a degree that everything a spouse does- or ever did- is recast in a negative light.”
“In a happy marriage, if the husband promises to pick up the wife’s dry cleaning but forgets, she is likely to think, “Oh well, he’s been under a lot of stress lately and needs more sleep.” She considers his lapse to be fleeting and caused by a specific situation. In an unhappy marriage, the same circumstance is likely to lead to a thought like “He’s just always so inconsiderate and selfish.” (p. 49)
“By the same token, in a happy marriage a loving gesture, like a wife greeting her husband with a passionate kiss at the end of the workday, is seen as a sign that the spouse is living and thoughtful. But in an unhappy marriage, the same action will lead the husband to think, “What does she want out of me?” (p. 49)