From Sonja Lubomirsky’s book “Myths of Happiness”
People often can’t help but compare themselves to their peers or other people. When this happens beware because it will make you unhappy.
Social Comparisons Are Toxic!
- “Much of the time, it’s impossible not to compare ourselves with others. Whenever we have dinner at a friend’s house or ask our neighbors or spouses how their day is going or turn on the television set, we are inundated with information about other people’s victories and tragedies, opinions, lifestyles, personalities, and marriages.” (p. 131)
- “Not surprisingly, studies have shown that comparing ourselves with others—whether it is a child noticing that his classmate has a cooler backpack or an executive finding out that she is making a higher salary than her colleague—has a profound effect not only on our evaluations of ourselves, but on our moods and our emotional well-being. Indeed, it’s comparisons to other people that are primarily to blame for our feelings of inadequacy and discontent.” (p. 131)
- “Instead of asking ourselves, “Does my career (or productivity or income) meet my needs?” we ask “How good is my career, my productivity, and my income compared with my neighbor’s?” Instead of feeling personally richer and richer, we instead feel that we are attaining new levels of relative poverty.” (p. 132)
- “when we ask ourselves the question, “How good (successful, smart, affable, prosperous, ethical) am I?” those of us who typically rely on our own internal, objective standards are happiest. Such habits render us less likely to be buffeted by the winds of external judgments and outside realities (e.g., discovering that our neighbor is directing a television pilot or that our former classmate is on the cover of California Lawyer).” (p. 134)
- “The results for my unhappiest participants, however, were dramatic. Their reactions, it appears, were governed more by the reviews they heard given to their peer than by their own feedback. Indeed, the study paints a stark and quite unpleasant portrait of an unhappy person. My unhappiest volunteers reported feeling happier and more secure when they had received a poor evaluation (but heard that their peer did even worse) than when they had received an excellent evaluation (but heard that their peer did even better). It appears that unhappy individuals have bought into the sardonic maxim attributed to Gore Vidal: “For true happiness, it is not enough to be successful oneself . . . One’s friends must fail.” (p. 133)
- “By contrast, those of us who base our self-evaluations on comparisons with others are the unhappy ones, and the practice turns out to be rather unwise. Think about it: Feeling glum or personally deflated as a result of other people’s successes, accomplishments, and triumphs, and feeling relieved rather than disappointed or sympathetic in the face of other people’s failures and undoings is a poor prescription for happiness.” (p. 134)
- The habit of social comparison begins early in life. In childhood, we learn that good performance is most frequently measured in relative terms. We’re often being compared with the good manners of our siblings, the talents of our classmates, and even with the As and trophies that our parents earned as children. Consequently, we have been conditioned to want to learn how we stand relative to others, and preferably, learn that we are better off. As a result of this early conditioning, making social comparisons is unavoidable and inevitable. (p. 134)
- “The goal, as my studies show, is to rely a little less on others when determining our self-worth and to rely a little more on our personal standards.” (p. 134)
- “If you conclude one day that you haven’t “made it,” is that conclusion based on your personal goals or on some norm or standard set by others? Are your feelings about your past triumphs (or lack thereof) dictated by what other people think? If your answer is yes, my research suggests that you should strive to ignore such invidious social comparisons whenever possible—for example, by crying “stop” or distracting yourself immediately with a pleasant task when you catch yourself doing it.” (p. 135)