From Sonja Lyubomirky’s book “The How of Happiness”
The things you think will make you happier, won’t.
Being Wealthy Won’t Make You Much Happier.
- “Very wealthy people have a great deal more than the average person, but the research shows that they are not much happier.” (p. 43)
- “those with higher incomes report being somewhat more satisfied with their lives, studies of how they actually spend their days find that they don’t spend time in any more enjoyable activities than their less prosperous peers and, in fact, are more likely to experience daily anxiety and anger.” (p. 44)
- “Why is it so hard for us (even myself!) to believe that money really doesn’t make us happy? Because the truth is that money does make us happy. But our misunderstanding is that “we think money will bring lots of happiness for a long time, and actually it brings a little happiness for a short time.” (p. 16)
Positive Events like wealth, housing, possessions, and job, won’t give you lasting happiness because of Hedonic Adaptation.
- “the evidence for hedonic adaptation, especially with regard to positive events, is very strong. Human beings adapt to favorable changes in wealth, housing, and possessions, to being beautiful or being surrounded by beauty, to good health, and even to marriage.” (p. 52)
- “all our life circumstances combined (health, wealth, age, job title, ethnicity, residence, life events, etc.) have only a small influence on our happiness. This is primarily because we so rapidly adapt to any circumstantial life change. For example, as we acquire income and consumer goods that we desire (e.g., gadgets, computers, cars, homes, or swimming pools), our aspirations simply rise to the same degree, thereby trapping us in a hedonic treadmill.” (p. 140)
- “So the bad news about hedonic adaptation is that it ultimately dampens your happiness and satisfaction after any positive event or uplift. But there is good news too. I would argue that human beings are actually lucky to have the ability to adapt quickly to changing circumstances, as it’s extremely useful when bad things happen. Some studies of hedonic adaptation show, for instance, that we have a phenomenal ability to recover much of our happiness after a debilitating illness or accident.” (p. 50)
- “One of the great ironies of our quest to become happier is that so many of us focus on changing the circumstances of our lives in the misguided hope that those changes will deliver happiness. In an attempt to allay unhappiness, a recent college graduate may choose a high-paying job in a distant city, a middle-aged divorcée may undergo beautifying cosmetic surgery, or a retired couple may buy a condominium with a view. Unfortunately, all these individuals will likely become only temporarily happier. An impressive body of research now shows that trying to be happy by changing our life situations ultimately will not work. Why do life changes account for so little? Because of a very powerful force that psychologists called hedonic adaptation.”(p. 48)
Myths of Happiness- “I’ll Finally Be Happy When __________ Happens,”
- “The first myth is that happiness is something that we must find, that it’s out there somewhere, a place just beyond our reach, a kind of Shangri-la. We could get there, yes, but only if the right things would come to pass: if we’d marry our true loves, secure our dream jobs, purchase elegant houses. Don’t be the person who is waiting for this, that, or the other thing to happen before she can be happy.” (p. 39)
- Myth No 2: Happiness Lies in Changing Our Circumstances: “Another big fallacy is the notion that if only something about the circumstances of our lives would change, then we would be happy. This kind of thinking is what I call “I would be happy IF ________” or “I will be happy WHEN _________” (p. 40)
- “So, although you may find it very hard to believe, whether you drive to work in a Lexus hybrid or a battered truck, whether you’re young or old, or have had wrinkle-removing plastic surgery, whether you live in the frigid Midwest or on the balmy West Coast, your chances of being happy and becoming happier are pretty much the same.” (p. 41)
About 50% of Your Happiness is Caused By Genes, 10% By Circumstances, and 40% by Activities You Can Control.
- “Perhaps the most counterintuitive finding is that as the chart shows, only about 10 percent of the variance in our happiness levels is explained by differences in life circumstances or situations—that is, whether we are rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, beautiful or plain, married or divorced, etc.” (p. 21)
- “the research also shows us that yes, while 50 percent of the differences among our happiness levels is determined by set points (and 10 percent, let’s not forget, by circumstances), fully 40 percent is still available to us to mold.” (p. 56)
- “the key to happiness lies not in changing our genetic makeup (which is impossible) and not in changing our circumstances (i.e., seeking wealth or attractiveness or better colleagues, which is usually impractical), but in our daily intentional activities. With this in mind, our pie chart illustrates the potential of the 40 percent that is within our ability to control, the 40 percent for room to maneuver, for opportunities to increase or decrease our happiness levels through what we do in our daily lives and how we think.” (p. 22)
Being Materialistic Will Make You Unhappy.
- “Many wealthy people are little more than the janitors of their possessions. You too could become a janitor of your possessions, if your goals primarily revolved around material things. Indeed, not only does materialism not bring happiness, but it’s been shown to be a strong predictor of unhappiness.” (p. 43)
- “materialists are more likely than nonmaterialists to suffer from a variety of mental disorders!” (p. 43)
- “materialism may distract people from relatively more meaningful and joyful aspects of their lives, such as nurturing their relationships with family and friends, enjoying the present, and contributing to their communities. Finally, materialistic people have been found to hold unrealistically high expectations of what material things can do for them.” (p. 44)
Overthinking and ruminations is toxic
- “Overthinking is thinking too much, needlessly, passively, endlessly, and excessively pondering the meanings, causes, and consequences of your character, your feelings, and your problems: “Why am I so unhappy?,” “What will happen to me if I continue to procrastinate at work?,” “I’m so dismayed by how thin my hair has gotten,” “What did he really mean by that remark?,” and so on.” (p. 112)
- “The evidence that overthinking is bad for you is now vast and overwhelming. If you are someone plagued by ruminations, you are unlikely to become happier before you can break that habit.” (p. 113)
- “Many of us believe that when we feel down, we should try to focus inwardly and evaluate our feelings and our situation in order to attain self-insight and find solutions that might ultimately resolve our problems and relieve unhappiness.” (p. 112)
- “overthinking ushers in a host of adverse consequences: It sustains or worsens sadness, fosters negatively biased thinking, impairs a person’s ability to solve problems, saps motivation, and interferes with concentration and initiative.41 Moreover, although people have a strong sense that they are gaining insight into themselves and their problems during their ruminations, this is rarely the case. What they do gain is a distorted, pessimistic perspective on their lives.” (p. 112)
Avoid Social Comparisons.
- “You can’t be envious and happy at the same time. People who pay too much attention to social comparisons find themselves chronically vulnerable, threatened, and insecure.” (p. 116)
- “The more social comparisons you make, the more likely you are to encounter unfavorable comparisons, and the more sensitive you are to social comparisons, the more likely you are to suffer their negative consequences.” (p. 116)
- “observations of how other people are doing or about what they have can be pernicious. “Upward” comparisons (e.g., “He’s paid a higher salary,” “She’s thinner”) may lead to feelings of inferiority, distress, and loss of self-esteem,” (p. 116)
- “happy people we interviewed didn’t seem to care. Instead, they appeared to use their own internal standards to judge themselves (e.g., how good they sensed they were at math or cooking or conversation), rather than let others’ performances influence their feelings about themselves. (p. 116)
- “we found that the happiest people take pleasure in other people’s successes and show concern in the face of others’ failures. A completely different portrait, however, has emerged of a typical unhappy person—namely, as someone who is deflated rather than delighted about his peers’ accomplishments and triumphs and who is relieved rather than sympathetic in the face of his peers’ failures and undoings.” (p. 117)
- “Since then my students and I have conducted many more studies showing essentially the same result: that the happier the person, the less attention she pays to how others around her are doing.” (p. 119)
States With Good Weather Doesn’t Affect Happiness Much.
- “Researchers were interested in whether people who live in California are truly happier (as many believe) than those who live in the Midwest.” (p. 45)
“both the Californians and the midwesterners believed that people in California were happier. But they were not. There was absolutely no difference in the overall satisfaction of the two groups of students.” (p. 46)
Beauty Doesn’t Affect Happiness Much
- “there’s no link between beauty and happiness implies that beautiful people are no happier than their plain-looking relatives, colleagues, and friends.” (p. 46)